Saturday, September 18, 2010


I was pretty depressed after leaving the marriage. In fact, I was severely depressed. There was a lot of rage and hurt pent up inside. I began to look back on my life and I realized that I am a middle-aged woman with nothing to show for all the effort. I had lost several very promising jobs, one of which I spent ten years at the company. I felt (and still sometimes feel) that my life is over, with no opportunities left to do anything worthwhile. Who wants a fat, middle-aged woman with a spotty work record and no college degree? It hurts. It hurts a lot, especially if I allow myself to dwell on all the opportunities I did waste. I am afraid to end up lonely, alone and with a wasted life. That is the very definition of sin: to take a life given to you and waste it all. To waste your God-given gifts and squander your time.
Sometimes the weight of my past life is almost overwhelming. What was I doing all those days, hours, minutes?? It all flew by so fast. 20 years ago, I had no idea of the opportunities and chances to learn and grow before me. All I could see was the mess in front of me: one marriage over, a raging eating disorder that would hit me again in 3 years and nearly kill me, and no place that I felt I belonged. The mental illness of depression and anxiety that tormented me. The snapping and buzzing in my head, the nightmares, the voices that I know I hear but no one else hears. It's incredibly lonely and can drive a person insane.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow or ten years from tomorrow. All I can do is go minute by minute in my "new life" within a 12 step recovery program, and pray that it turns out ok.
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.


  1. Hello! I can't say that I totally understand what you're talking about because, let's face it, I'm just a cat that's happy to have noms, a place to sleep all day and someone that gives me some attention. But, I can tell you about something I heard The Other One say the other day: she was telling a friend that was sad, that God doesn't count our failures, but our good things. That even the most "successful" person have had made many mistakes, but we don't see that, we see his success. Well, even the longest walks are made of steps. So, you don't need to focus on past mistakes, make a plan, even if it is to do a tiny little thing for someone every day. It can be to smile to everyone, help someone in the street or give an hour in a shelter to pet lonely animals that need someone to play a little. Or, visit an old person in the neighborhood and talk for a few minutes, they appreciate that. You know, doing things for other may help you forget and leave in the past the past. Don't be hard on yourself until you feel better with yourself. Remember, God is watching the good things you do. God bless you.

  2. I do know exactly how you feel - with no marriage, lost my job after 10 hard years of giving 150% to them. No Loyalty - just one day they came in & told me I had an hour to pack my things & leave. Alone - raising 7 kids on my own. No degree - who would hire me? I tried everything I could find. Yes it took a year - hope not that long for you - but out of the blue God sent me right where I needed to be. My 10 yrs experience plus learning more to make a real career move. I agree with last comment - smile at everyone - compliment something about someone everyday - turn out don't bash yourself - God gives us the grace to get thru each day -- 1 day at a time! I may be alone for the rest of my life - but I can make a difference - passing it forward with what happened to me & surviving! I thank God every day for having another day! I have animals around - their unconditinal love is always there for me too. But there are always others that have it much worse. I am 1 paycheck from loosing my home, but have the faith it will work out - hard but that keeps me going. I pray that you can look up to the heavens & see God's grace shining down on you! You are not alone - Please remember that! You are loved - by many you may never see - but we are here & sending the love to you. Keep the faith! He will give the grace daily & will watch over you - His promise! Smile, head high & do what you can to make this world a better place - just because you are here & you are special!! Love & Prayers - T

  3. i agree with the last two posts. i have not had the same difficulties as you but i understand some of what you feel. my philosophy is to go into each day trying to make life better for some one else. family, friends or strangers. that is the ultimate gift to ourselves and the world. it doesn't matter what kind of work you do or how much money you make. making the world a better place is why we are truly here. xoxoxo