Sometime after my congestive heart failure happened, part of me changed. Something inside has darkened and I have become quiet. The job hunt continues, but it doesn't look good so far.
My health is much better, but my outlook on my life is not. The thought occurs often that I am ready to go home. I won't initiate that journey, it's not my decision to make. But I am tired and I hurt, and cry every day. This is no way for anyone to live and it's entirely my responsibility that my life has not gone the way it should have been.
There is a hell of sorts that comes to a person in the middle of the night when sleep is elusive. One realizes the damage done, and comes face to face with the demons. I can't go back and undo the damage, I can't make up for all the damage I did. Others have forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself, no matter how hard I try. This doesn't make me special or different from anyone, and no one is expected to "co-sign the bs".
But if I could go to sleep, it wouldn't be the worst that could happen.
Godspeed and keep the lighthouse in sight,
-beaglelover
Friday, July 15, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
To my friends,
It has been many months since I last wrote on my blog and I apologize to you for that. A lot has happened. In February, I was admitted into the hospital for congestive heart failure, and that has changed my life, as you can probably imagine. Please, please do not take your health for granted! If you have anything going on that you are not sure about, see your doctor early. Don't wait like I did, it is a hard road to take.
Looking over the past few years, I've had to assess my behavior and personality, too. Several dear friends have ended their friendship with me, which hurt. Each of them had their reasons, and I respect their decision. I miss them every day. Anyway, some serious changes needed to be made. I am now (again) in a 12-step program, "clean and sober". No one but me is responsible for my behavior, my actions and my thinking. There is a measure of peace that dwells within me now. I wish I could go back and make changes so that loved ones wouldn't have been hurt by my behavior, but I can only move forward. My goal is to live authentically in the moment, every single day, for however long God gives me.
more later...I'm getting treated to dinner! :)
It has been many months since I last wrote on my blog and I apologize to you for that. A lot has happened. In February, I was admitted into the hospital for congestive heart failure, and that has changed my life, as you can probably imagine. Please, please do not take your health for granted! If you have anything going on that you are not sure about, see your doctor early. Don't wait like I did, it is a hard road to take.
Looking over the past few years, I've had to assess my behavior and personality, too. Several dear friends have ended their friendship with me, which hurt. Each of them had their reasons, and I respect their decision. I miss them every day. Anyway, some serious changes needed to be made. I am now (again) in a 12-step program, "clean and sober". No one but me is responsible for my behavior, my actions and my thinking. There is a measure of peace that dwells within me now. I wish I could go back and make changes so that loved ones wouldn't have been hurt by my behavior, but I can only move forward. My goal is to live authentically in the moment, every single day, for however long God gives me.
more later...I'm getting treated to dinner! :)
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