Sometime after my congestive heart failure happened, part of me changed. Something inside has darkened and I have become quiet. The job hunt continues, but it doesn't look good so far.
My health is much better, but my outlook on my life is not. The thought occurs often that I am ready to go home. I won't initiate that journey, it's not my decision to make. But I am tired and I hurt, and cry every day. This is no way for anyone to live and it's entirely my responsibility that my life has not gone the way it should have been.
There is a hell of sorts that comes to a person in the middle of the night when sleep is elusive. One realizes the damage done, and comes face to face with the demons. I can't go back and undo the damage, I can't make up for all the damage I did. Others have forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself, no matter how hard I try. This doesn't make me special or different from anyone, and no one is expected to "co-sign the bs".
But if I could go to sleep, it wouldn't be the worst that could happen.
Godspeed and keep the lighthouse in sight,
-beaglelover
Friday, July 15, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
To my friends,
It has been many months since I last wrote on my blog and I apologize to you for that. A lot has happened. In February, I was admitted into the hospital for congestive heart failure, and that has changed my life, as you can probably imagine. Please, please do not take your health for granted! If you have anything going on that you are not sure about, see your doctor early. Don't wait like I did, it is a hard road to take.
Looking over the past few years, I've had to assess my behavior and personality, too. Several dear friends have ended their friendship with me, which hurt. Each of them had their reasons, and I respect their decision. I miss them every day. Anyway, some serious changes needed to be made. I am now (again) in a 12-step program, "clean and sober". No one but me is responsible for my behavior, my actions and my thinking. There is a measure of peace that dwells within me now. I wish I could go back and make changes so that loved ones wouldn't have been hurt by my behavior, but I can only move forward. My goal is to live authentically in the moment, every single day, for however long God gives me.
more later...I'm getting treated to dinner! :)
It has been many months since I last wrote on my blog and I apologize to you for that. A lot has happened. In February, I was admitted into the hospital for congestive heart failure, and that has changed my life, as you can probably imagine. Please, please do not take your health for granted! If you have anything going on that you are not sure about, see your doctor early. Don't wait like I did, it is a hard road to take.
Looking over the past few years, I've had to assess my behavior and personality, too. Several dear friends have ended their friendship with me, which hurt. Each of them had their reasons, and I respect their decision. I miss them every day. Anyway, some serious changes needed to be made. I am now (again) in a 12-step program, "clean and sober". No one but me is responsible for my behavior, my actions and my thinking. There is a measure of peace that dwells within me now. I wish I could go back and make changes so that loved ones wouldn't have been hurt by my behavior, but I can only move forward. My goal is to live authentically in the moment, every single day, for however long God gives me.
more later...I'm getting treated to dinner! :)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
After-math
I was pretty depressed after leaving the marriage. In fact, I was severely depressed. There was a lot of rage and hurt pent up inside. I began to look back on my life and I realized that I am a middle-aged woman with nothing to show for all the effort. I had lost several very promising jobs, one of which I spent ten years at the company. I felt (and still sometimes feel) that my life is over, with no opportunities left to do anything worthwhile. Who wants a fat, middle-aged woman with a spotty work record and no college degree? It hurts. It hurts a lot, especially if I allow myself to dwell on all the opportunities I did waste. I am afraid to end up lonely, alone and with a wasted life. That is the very definition of sin: to take a life given to you and waste it all. To waste your God-given gifts and squander your time.
Sometimes the weight of my past life is almost overwhelming. What was I doing all those days, hours, minutes?? It all flew by so fast. 20 years ago, I had no idea of the opportunities and chances to learn and grow before me. All I could see was the mess in front of me: one marriage over, a raging eating disorder that would hit me again in 3 years and nearly kill me, and no place that I felt I belonged. The mental illness of depression and anxiety that tormented me. The snapping and buzzing in my head, the nightmares, the voices that I know I hear but no one else hears. It's incredibly lonely and can drive a person insane.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow or ten years from tomorrow. All I can do is go minute by minute in my "new life" within a 12 step recovery program, and pray that it turns out ok.
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.
-beaglelover
Sometimes the weight of my past life is almost overwhelming. What was I doing all those days, hours, minutes?? It all flew by so fast. 20 years ago, I had no idea of the opportunities and chances to learn and grow before me. All I could see was the mess in front of me: one marriage over, a raging eating disorder that would hit me again in 3 years and nearly kill me, and no place that I felt I belonged. The mental illness of depression and anxiety that tormented me. The snapping and buzzing in my head, the nightmares, the voices that I know I hear but no one else hears. It's incredibly lonely and can drive a person insane.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow or ten years from tomorrow. All I can do is go minute by minute in my "new life" within a 12 step recovery program, and pray that it turns out ok.
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.
-beaglelover
Sunday, July 4, 2010
July 4th 2010
There has been a tremendous amount of peace and serenity recently in my life. It may be partly due to the increase in my medications, but I would like to think it is also because of changes made in my thinking and my beliefs. My fear is that my life will end before all is accomplished in it. There is nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable end, all I can do is live the moment. It is hard to believe so many years have flashed by me.
I want to keep this peace in my soul. So I will fight no more. The angry, bitter, sarcastic side of me will eventually lose strength and be too weak to rear its ugly head again. The burning tears will dry up, the heartbreak will heal and I will finally be able to rest. I will no longer put everyone else first, I will no longer defend those who don't want defense, I will no longer invest in relationships that are fractured and broken. My ego needs to be reduced and my pride needs to be put in check. I will no longer care for things that are none of my business. The world got along fine without me before I was born, it will get along fine without me when my life ends. My blessings are my friends that I call family, for my own family disregards me. So many years were wasted on foolish, frivolous ventures that came to nothing. Now there is no more time for waste.
And I am at peace with that.
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.
-beaglelover
I want to keep this peace in my soul. So I will fight no more. The angry, bitter, sarcastic side of me will eventually lose strength and be too weak to rear its ugly head again. The burning tears will dry up, the heartbreak will heal and I will finally be able to rest. I will no longer put everyone else first, I will no longer defend those who don't want defense, I will no longer invest in relationships that are fractured and broken. My ego needs to be reduced and my pride needs to be put in check. I will no longer care for things that are none of my business. The world got along fine without me before I was born, it will get along fine without me when my life ends. My blessings are my friends that I call family, for my own family disregards me. So many years were wasted on foolish, frivolous ventures that came to nothing. Now there is no more time for waste.
And I am at peace with that.
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.
-beaglelover
Monday, June 7, 2010
Bird's eye view
Last week, something happened on my balcony for the first time in the four years I'ved lived in this apartment: there is a bird's nest under the eaves. If I am careful to look out my back door slowly, I can see the parent birds flying in and out to feed their babies. The birds are common sparrows, but...Something magical takes place each morning: I wake up to birdsong and my windchimes ringing outside.
The birds drive Lex nuts. He hears them but does not quite see them, and he wants to hunt them. Their chirping keeps him occupied when he is outside on the balcony.
Birds have fascinated me since childhood. Any animal that can suspend its own body weight in air while flying distances, has my admiration. When geese fly in formation, each bird is suspended on the airlift of another bird. The V formation is most natural to the geese in order to achieve this. Buzzards fly in circles, rising slowly from the ground, on currents of warm air until the birds reach the altitude desired.
My favorite bird is the cardinal, the national bird of Ireland. The bright red and black colors, the distinctive chirp and the behavior are all wonderful.
Eventually, I hope to get photos of the birds' nest under the eaves. If not, maybe a photo of the crow's nest in the top of the pine tree. As long as the squirrels don't divebomb nuts on my head again.
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.
-beaglelover
The birds drive Lex nuts. He hears them but does not quite see them, and he wants to hunt them. Their chirping keeps him occupied when he is outside on the balcony.
Birds have fascinated me since childhood. Any animal that can suspend its own body weight in air while flying distances, has my admiration. When geese fly in formation, each bird is suspended on the airlift of another bird. The V formation is most natural to the geese in order to achieve this. Buzzards fly in circles, rising slowly from the ground, on currents of warm air until the birds reach the altitude desired.
My favorite bird is the cardinal, the national bird of Ireland. The bright red and black colors, the distinctive chirp and the behavior are all wonderful.
Eventually, I hope to get photos of the birds' nest under the eaves. If not, maybe a photo of the crow's nest in the top of the pine tree. As long as the squirrels don't divebomb nuts on my head again.
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.
-beaglelover
Friday, May 28, 2010
Why animals are better than people
I have not had much luck in my life with people. After 2 failed marriages, and living on the opposite side of the United States from my family by choice, it seems that my life is better suited to being single and living with animals. I don't mean that I will move to a wilderness somewhere and start eating roots. Maybe you'll understand better if you see reasons why I feel that animals are better than people.
In nature, as in the human race, everything has a language. If you know what to listen for and you know the behavior, then it becomes clear and easy to understand. When a dog wags his tail, it is not always a friendly gesture. You have to look at the position of his ears, his body language (does he seem tense?) and the tone of his bark. Snakes are not fond of sudden movements, as they perceive it to be a sign of aggression. This is especially true when they are molting their skins. Cats generally whip their tails back and forth when they are annoyed about something or if they are stalking.
I love animals because they are easy for me to understand. If you know the rules of encounter and if you understand the different behaviors, then it's easy to interact (or not). My dog will never act nasty to me because he's had a bad day. The neighbor's cat doesn't care that I have depression, or that my breath may smell bad. Animals don't need to climb the corporate ladder to feel accomplished, they don't understand the concept of lying to someone and they are not interested in creating crises for attention. Drama queens need not apply. Animals do not have addiction problems (unless you count the dog and cat cravings for cookies and treats).
I can make a whole afternoon out of listening to the wind in the trees and the crows calling back and forth to each other. I force myself to tolerate 5 minutes on the phone with a customer who doesn't know me but decides to tell me about myself anyway. The way a horse moves is poetry in action. The way most humans live is a destructive force to nature.
The law of nature is survival. As humans, we have taken that law and twisted it out of proportion to justify our actions motivated by greed, envy and spite. Animals take only what they need to survive. We continue to take what we need, what we want and some extra, just to be sure we have more than the next person. I wonder who will have the final legacy on Earth: animals or humans?
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.
-beaglelover
In nature, as in the human race, everything has a language. If you know what to listen for and you know the behavior, then it becomes clear and easy to understand. When a dog wags his tail, it is not always a friendly gesture. You have to look at the position of his ears, his body language (does he seem tense?) and the tone of his bark. Snakes are not fond of sudden movements, as they perceive it to be a sign of aggression. This is especially true when they are molting their skins. Cats generally whip their tails back and forth when they are annoyed about something or if they are stalking.
I love animals because they are easy for me to understand. If you know the rules of encounter and if you understand the different behaviors, then it's easy to interact (or not). My dog will never act nasty to me because he's had a bad day. The neighbor's cat doesn't care that I have depression, or that my breath may smell bad. Animals don't need to climb the corporate ladder to feel accomplished, they don't understand the concept of lying to someone and they are not interested in creating crises for attention. Drama queens need not apply. Animals do not have addiction problems (unless you count the dog and cat cravings for cookies and treats).
I can make a whole afternoon out of listening to the wind in the trees and the crows calling back and forth to each other. I force myself to tolerate 5 minutes on the phone with a customer who doesn't know me but decides to tell me about myself anyway. The way a horse moves is poetry in action. The way most humans live is a destructive force to nature.
The law of nature is survival. As humans, we have taken that law and twisted it out of proportion to justify our actions motivated by greed, envy and spite. Animals take only what they need to survive. We continue to take what we need, what we want and some extra, just to be sure we have more than the next person. I wonder who will have the final legacy on Earth: animals or humans?
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.
-beaglelover
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Introduction
So, my name is beaglelover and this is my first blog on my page. The name is rather obvious, I am a big fan of dogs, beagles in particular. The object of my affection is dozing next to me on the couch and blowing farts in his sleep. What a lovely life.
I grew up in Southern California, near Los Angeles. I thought I had the typical life for a Californian kid, until I graduated from high school and moved into the world beyond my little bubble of consciousness. Then, everything blew wide open for me. Many years later, I sit in this dark, sad little apartment and wonder where all the time went.
A few words about this blogspot: I do not promise to be faithful in writing every day or even every month. I do not promise to keep to one topic per blog or per sentence. My blogs may not make any sense, especially on days when I am in a mental fog. And I do not expect that anyone will read these blogs anyway. But just in case anyone is paying attention, I just wanted to clarify my motives and intentions. Until next time, have a happy day.
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.
-beaglelover
I grew up in Southern California, near Los Angeles. I thought I had the typical life for a Californian kid, until I graduated from high school and moved into the world beyond my little bubble of consciousness. Then, everything blew wide open for me. Many years later, I sit in this dark, sad little apartment and wonder where all the time went.
A few words about this blogspot: I do not promise to be faithful in writing every day or even every month. I do not promise to keep to one topic per blog or per sentence. My blogs may not make any sense, especially on days when I am in a mental fog. And I do not expect that anyone will read these blogs anyway. But just in case anyone is paying attention, I just wanted to clarify my motives and intentions. Until next time, have a happy day.
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.
-beaglelover
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