Saturday, September 18, 2010


I was pretty depressed after leaving the marriage. In fact, I was severely depressed. There was a lot of rage and hurt pent up inside. I began to look back on my life and I realized that I am a middle-aged woman with nothing to show for all the effort. I had lost several very promising jobs, one of which I spent ten years at the company. I felt (and still sometimes feel) that my life is over, with no opportunities left to do anything worthwhile. Who wants a fat, middle-aged woman with a spotty work record and no college degree? It hurts. It hurts a lot, especially if I allow myself to dwell on all the opportunities I did waste. I am afraid to end up lonely, alone and with a wasted life. That is the very definition of sin: to take a life given to you and waste it all. To waste your God-given gifts and squander your time.
Sometimes the weight of my past life is almost overwhelming. What was I doing all those days, hours, minutes?? It all flew by so fast. 20 years ago, I had no idea of the opportunities and chances to learn and grow before me. All I could see was the mess in front of me: one marriage over, a raging eating disorder that would hit me again in 3 years and nearly kill me, and no place that I felt I belonged. The mental illness of depression and anxiety that tormented me. The snapping and buzzing in my head, the nightmares, the voices that I know I hear but no one else hears. It's incredibly lonely and can drive a person insane.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow or ten years from tomorrow. All I can do is go minute by minute in my "new life" within a 12 step recovery program, and pray that it turns out ok.
Godspeed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.